What I Did When I Wanted Something Completely Different From My Kids, And I Didn’t Accommodate Them!

by Andrea Anderson on October 17, 2018

My family and I recently travelled to Niagra Falls, Canada.

This photo is one I took while on our trip.

And, while this pic. looks pretty cool in and of itself.  It actually has a whole story behind it.

See, had I not decided to follow through on an urge I had to travel back to Niagra Falls, I wouldn’t have gotten this cool photo nor would I have seen the Falls on a sunny day.

BTW, we visited the Falls when we first arrived in Canada, however it was raining and cloudy and we didn’t have much of a view on that particular day.

However, on our last day in Canada, when we had planned on going to just one more tourist attraction (the CN Tower) and driving back home – (10 hours), we awoke to a bright sunny day.

And, my husband and I agreed, we wanted to see Niagra Falls again. And, we’d therefore fit it into our schedule.

Guess what?

Neither of my sons were too psyched with this idea.

As a matter of fact, they were ticked off with this idea.

They wanted to go HOME, it was 10 hours of driving and we were already fitting in one activity before we’d be leaving Canada. (Let alone two!)

They were concerned with getting home so late.

Often I try to honor what everyone wants. After all, we’re all individuals with individual needs and interests.

And, at the same time, we’re a family unit.

And, sometimes people in the family might not get exactly what they want this time.

But in the process, can learn flexibility and how to go with the flow.

So, needless to say, we travelled back to Niagra Falls and had what turned out to be a magnificent view of the Falls.

For me it was mesmerizing.

Even with my son complaining in my right ear about how he wanted to go, I managed to tune him out.  I had addressed him one too many times for my comfort level and knew addressing him again wouldn’t change his view or mine, so I just let it go.  I ignored him.  Not out of abandonment, but, out of and internal desire to feel good.

To enjoy this moment.

To really take it in and feel some goodness from it.

Instead of allowing myself to be a victim to circumstances beyond my control in those moments.

And, I mostly met with success.

For a few minutes I felt good.

I dropped my story of “How can my sons be acting this way after such a cool trip…and blah, blah…” getting into my own personal woes me story of how they weren’t appreciating or accommodating us as parents….

I say blah, blah, blah because this is a parental way of being a victim.

Telling the “woes me story”, my kid is doing this or that, you fill in the blank with whatever action or non-action your kid is doing that has you feeling bad about yourself or your place in life.

This story is a sure way to keep you stuck.

To keep you repeating the same cycle of them doing shit you don’t like and you reacting to it with heaviness, sadness, anger or sometimes even depression.

Been through all of it myself.

And, every now and then dip my toe into “Woes me again”, and now tend to more quickly catch myself and realize this is a BS story.

One that leads to feeling crappy.

And, one that holds me back.

And helps my family to stay stuck.

So I find it much more freeing to let that crappy story go.

So, in those few moments as I stood before the Falls on a bright sunny day, I ignored my son. (One son btw, had let go of complaining by the time we reached the Falls, he saw it was futile and decided to relax.) However the other son was holding on strong and held fast to wanting to get the heck out of there.

So, as I was saying, I stood in front of the Falls, leaned against the fence and watched the water. I really took in the landscape before me. And of course, I just had to take several photos.

I started to get a little excited with the rainbows that emerged.

I took more photos and watched the water again.

No, my son didn’t give up.

Not fully anyway.

He grew slightly quieter, a little less complaining, but would whisper every now and then, “Lets go.”

We didn’t leave until I felt full. Content. More at peace.

Then, we left.

I felt better as we left. After all, we just saw one of the 7 wonders of the world, and it was a spectacular day with rainbows and all.

Then, we made our way back to the car.

And, annoyance crept out of my son.

And, I allowed myself to take it personally.

Ugh.

That means I went back into “Woes me story”.  You know the, “How could he do this story…”

Sh*t, I hate when I do that.

Go from a great moment, even bypass crap going on around me and then, boom, right back into crap again.

What’s up with that?

However, as we got in the car and drove back into the US, everyone in the car settled down.

I had time to process and let go.

And, I had a mini revelation.

Nothing I hadn’t thought of before.

Just something I hadn’t been thinking of and feeling in a while.

I realized, (get ready for this one)… I realized “So what??!!”

Yup.

So what?!

What do I mean by this?

I mean, so what my kids were acting in a way I wasn’t proud of or felt good about.

So what we had different ideas about what to do and not to do on our last day in Canada.

So what I thought my kids were “pain in the butts.”

So what things didn’t go perfectly.

So what I didn’t have peace and quiet when I went to the Falls so I could REALLY appreciate it.

So what things didn’t go the way I ideally would have liked?!

So the “F” what?!!!

The more I remembered “So what”, the more my body +  brain felt relief.

I began to detach from my woes me story and aligned back into a place of feeling comfortable and more powerful again.

It’s always empowering to remember we’re NOT victims.

And that we always have a choice.

To take things personally, attach to a story that doesn’t feel good.

Or realize we don’t like the situation, and then do what we can to step out of it, as much as we are able to in the moment.

And to view the story as a passing situation.  One we didn’t like, but, one that is NOT that BIG of a deal.

That’s the clincher.

The less of a deal we make of something, the quicker it passes.

And the quicker we can align with better feelings and better circumstances.

We can’t ever have something that feels wonderful and great with ourselves and our kids if we constantly focus on what they do “wrong” or we feel bad for ourselves.

So, if you’re able, try softening your thoughts the next time you find yourself taking something personally and starting to go into “woes me” over something your kids have done.

Softening means finding ways to see and feel the situation with the stance of “So what?!”

I assure you, when you find this feeling, you will be on track for feeling better, and creating and living from a more powerful place.

A place that points you in the direction of what you want for you. And your family.

Blessings!

And remember, I’ve got your back if you get stuck trying to feel “So What”!!!

xo,

Andrea

PS As I said, shifting into “So what” can be tricky, I won’t kid you.  But, it’s possible.

If you find yourself wanting help in this arena I have a couple of avenues of support for you.

One– My book.  Either grab a copy for yourself here.  Or grab the first 2 chapters for free here.

Two- Email me to schedule a Finding Relief Strategy Session.  It’ a 50 min. session where we’ll address your main concerns for your child and yourself.  You’ll walk away with next steps and a plan to begin shifting out of “woes me” mode and into feeling empowered and taking specific aligned actions (that I map out for you) that open up space for better experiences for you and your kids.

For those who resonate, I look forward to connecting!

And, as always, Rock ON!!!

=)

Andrea

Andrea@Ihealedmysons.com

Family photo at the Falls- Can you guess who might not want to be there?

 

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