Moms, When You “Shine” You Help Your Kids to Heal from ADHD + Autism

by Andrea Anderson on January 24, 2019

Have you ever felt like you were “too much”?

Too loud.

Too silly.

Too quiet.

Annoying to someone else.

Too proud.

Too strong.

Too smart.

Too little.

Too big.

Too crazy.

Too different.

What’s really happening when you feel like this, you’re tapping into the thoughts + judgment (that you carry and others carry too) that goes something like this:

You better not be your Full Self and “shine” too much or others around you might judge you and think you’re a jerk.  Or some rendition of a jerk!

If you’re a woman reading this, I know you have felt this.

Actually, if you’re a human reading this, you’ve felt this at some point.

We’ve been taught to fit in boxes.

The polite boxes of society, that instill in us the “rules” of behavior.

There’s only one problem with these rules- they don’t allow us to SHINE!

These rules teach us to dim our light.

To play small.

To be quiet when we really have something to say.

To sit or stand still when we really want to DANCE!

What about if instead, we:

Danced just because we want to, even when no one else is dancing.

Or yelled when we’re angry.

Or cried when we’re sad.

Or laugh a deep, loud belly laugh when we find something funny.

To do whatever the “F” feels good to do in the moment we feel it.

I’ve had some awkward moments lately.

I was recently around some people who don’t know me well and I noticed them flinch and roll their eyes when I started laughing, extremely loud.  This is not unusual for me, I often laugh a deep, loud belly laugh!

So after I noticed the eye rolling, I chuckled to myself and thought, that’s right, I am loud and “unlady like” at times.

And brushed it off.

I loved noticing how comfortable I felt with this.

And, I remembered how this wasn’t always the case. I spent years, trying to fit into the Rules box.  The good behavior box. The do the “right thing” box.

Bull shit.

Been there, done that.  I don’t like how that feels any longer.

So now, I do what feels “right” from moment to moment.

Sometimes I sit with my legs crossed (because it feels good).

Other times I sit with my legs wide open- because that feels good too.

There is no rule fairy who’s going to curse me if I don’t follow the rules.

There is only me and my thoughts and my ability to NOT pass judgment on myself for NOT following unwritten societal rules.

And, my ability to NOT give a F*ck when others do pass judgment on me.  

This is the clincher. To NOT care if others aren’t happy with us.

And, while we’ve all heard this before, to LIVE this feeling, the feeling of- it’s ok if they judge me.  It’s ok if they don’t agree with me.

Well, this feeling is extremely freeing.

I’ll be honest.

I don’t want you to think I’ve always got this nailed.

As long as I’m alive and breathing, I will at times question myself.  (We all will).  However, it’s just that now, I question myself a whole lot less.  

And, I feel amazingly freer for it!

And when I do wobble in my thinking (feel a little “off” because I noticed someone judging me, or I judged myself),  I can shift back into feeling comfortable the majority of the time.

Why do I share this?

Because my sons being on the autism spectrum had everything to do with this!

Those two boys, and their different behaviors had my family, really standing out.

The MAJOR temper tantrums.

The hiding from other kids.

The inability to sit in their chair (at school) and focus.

The refusal to listen to teachers.

And MUCH more…

Since my kids weren’t well behaved, we were, for sure, not the favored family to have other children play with.  And, I tried my best to teach my kids through psychology and behavior modification techniques how to behave “better.”

Damn, it didn’t work.

One moment things went well.

The next, it was a no-go.  We were in shits-ville with some pain in the butt situation to contend with.

Anyone with a kid on spectrum knows this pattern well.

No therapist’s well intended advice worked either.

I now know why.

You can’t shift your kid out of “crazy” mode, if their body and brain are inundated with toxins making it difficult for them to consistently follow rules + behave in “the boxes” society has set forth.

(FYI, there are ways we can clear these toxins that I’m happy to share with you another time…)

So here’s what I noticed about myself in this process.

That I cared so damn much about having my kids fit in those “good” behavior boxes.

And that I cared so much about what others thought of them and me as well.

Remember the unspoken idea, if your kid “misbehaves” it must be because mom and dad are doing a poor job of parenting.

Nope.

This is absolutely not the case.  And, I’ll save my explanation for another post. (One hint though, it’s partially related to those damn toxins again…)  But regardless, these kids are individuals and are not meant to be controlled by us parents…

However, back to the point, as I was helping my sons to heal, in part, so they could handle themselves differently, but, also because I wanted them to be who they really are and live up to their FULL potential…

As I was doing this, I realized this situation was showing me where I could grow and expand as a person.

For so many years, I allowed myself to suffer because I cared so much what others thought of me.

I realized, if I cared less what they thought, I could be ok with the behaviors that my sons would engage in- even when others around me just didn’t understand.

And, to detach from what others thought would feel so freeing. I could still see my boys as awesome boys with a lot to offer the world.  

Instead of someone I’m embarrassed of and want to fix.

Which I can say honestly, I did this, because I was so motivated to have us all liked by others.

That sneaky little thought, “make sure everyone likes you.  And if they do,  you’re acceptable.”

No.

I started working on my thinking and confidence.  I tried a shit ton of affirmations/mantras, read self empowering books. Researched galore. Did self help exercises. Listened to audios. Followed thought leaders. Worked on healing my past…

And, eventually I found a better way of thinking about myself.

A freer way of thinking.

And, I really didn’t need all of those books and exercises, however, they did open my mind.

I began to find techniques that helped me to feel good.  (we can’t tap into feeling empowered and confident if we feel like crap). And, I began to make these techniques a way of life.

There are a variety of techniques I personally use and share with clients, however, here’s a basic process to shift from feeling uncomfortable with your kid or yourself.  And something I utilize daily.

Close your eyes,  think about what’s bothering you.  Notice how your body is feeling in response to these thoughts. 

Then, continue to keep your focus on your body. Let that feeling move through you.

Once you feel a little better (less uncomfortable), you then consciously put your thoughts on something else.

Something that feels better.

It could be as simple as noticing how your hands feel in your pockets.

It could be the sunset.

It could be the fabric of your shirt.

A song.

Anything that feels better…

At this point, you will probably be feeling better or at least more relaxed and less focused on whatever had you bothered before.

Once your uncomfortableness/ fear decreases, check in with yourself again. Now you’ll have enough space in your thoughts to then notice the Truth.  

You’re OK when your kids act different.

You’re ok, when others judge you.

You may even softly realize, their judgment is actually about their own conditions and hang ups.  (Really just them trying to fit into boxes and thinking your kids should too!)

And wouldn’t you prefer to remain separate from their hang ups?! 

Simply moving your attention away from these judging people and noticing you’re still “ok”, and doing this over and over, you will reach a turning point.  

The point when you can let go, even a little bit, from worrying about their judgment.

And, can start to feel more comfortable with yourself and your family.

It takes time. You can move past old thinking. And, new refreshed, Confident thinking can replace it.

If you’re thinking, maybe a little help in this area would be appreciated, I can show you more. But only if you’re ready.

Having a kid with anxiety or spectrum stuff can definitely leave you questioning yourself. 

And, that’s a good thing.  Because the questioning of yourself (if you’re willing) can lead you to finally owning your greatness. Your wonderfulness, all the gifts that you have to offer the world.

This can come, simply by rising to the occasion of learning  how to not care what others think.

What do you say?

You in?

If so, you’re in for an amazing life.

And for FULL healing with that awesome kid of yours!

Here’s to being “too much” and not giving a “f#ck!” (wink, wink)!

Rock on gorgeous-have- so-much-to-offer-the-world-moms!!!

xo,

Andrea

PS Want the basics to get started with helping your kiddo’s symptoms improve? Here’s the first 2 chapters of my book, for Fr*ee.  

Andrea Anderson, CHHC

Author. Speaker.

Health Coach + Mentor

For families with anxiety, sensory concerns, learning challenges, ADD, ADHD + autism.  Helping moms improve their kids + teen’s symptoms naturally and get their life back!

Andrea@Ihealedmysons.com

#kidsdoingwell

#ADHDandAutismisReversible

#GetYourLifeBack

IHealedMySons.com

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