To Fix or Not to Fix? Which One?

by Andrea Anderson on March 27, 2015

stones+snow

Us mamas + papas too, very often think we need to spring into action if something feels or looks ‘off’ with our son or daughter.

We think we’re suppose to make things better.  Help improve a situation or ‘fix it’.

Who wants to see their child suffer or fall behind (in school, with their peers, etc.)

Allowing myself to be open and honest here, I too have experienced this line of thinking.  As a matter of fact, this was part of the core desire I had to “make everything better for my sons” when I figured out they were on the spectrum.

And, while this line of thinking helped me to jump into action, find answers and start clearing out my sons’ bodies (it does carry benefits to a certain degree!)  This line of thinking also, eventually left me feeling tired, overwhelmed and lonely.

I was trying to do something impossible.  Trying to make everything better for my sons.  Trying to fix them.  I didn’t realize this several years ago, however I know this to be true now:  They weren’t broken then and they aren’t broken now.  There is no fixing necessary.

Now, this is not to say, I don’t ever need to lift a finger to help my sons or anyone, because none of us are broken.

It just means, I don’t need to take action all of the time.

Instead-

I feel if the time is right to act.  To do something for them or for me, or whomever.  If something ‘feels right’ and you feel inspired to take the next step- drawn to take that next step, then somehow that next step is important for you (or them.)

However, I caution you to not take action purely based on rationale.  Stats say to do so.  This doctor or expert said this approach is best, that teacher said you really should….

Stop. Check in with yourself.  See how you feel.

You and you alone will know if the time is right to take action.

And, you and you alone will know if the proposed idea or action is right for you or your family.

If it feels good and like a sigh of relief, its ‘right’.  If it feels tight, heavy or burdensome- it’s not right for you at this time, or perhaps ever…who knows- only you!

Save yourself time and energy.

Create more ease in your life.  For you + your family.

Begin to trust yourself more and more.

Follow your gut instinct.

Listen and feel what is best for you and your family.

When you do, there’s a good chance things will begin to feel more comfortable.

I’ve learned from Dr Drew Rozell, “You can’t work your way to easy.”  Oh, yah.

To create more feelings of contentment, try first checking in and seeing what is best for you. What feels good for your family.

Do less.  Listen more. Act only when necessary.

And always, always know, any action you take is not about fixing something broken.  It’s all about allowing your whole self – and your kids whole selves to shine brighter.  A little polishing is ok when the time is right.

Otherwise we shine quite brightly even without polish! =)

Here’s to less polish + more peace!

Cheers,

Andrea!

PS Resonate with any of my unconventional ideas?  Cool.  You might further resonate with my free audio tips.  Check them out here if you’d like: http://www.ihealedmysons.com/free-gift/

 

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Acceptance (Of Our Kids + Ourselves)

by Andrea Anderson on February 19, 2015

Family+IBoston

My oldest son Forrest was just watching a movie. St. Vincent. If you haven’t seen it, it’s the movie where Bill Murray plays an old Vietnam vet who’s cranky, doesn’t much care for other people and others don’t seem to like him either. I watched only a smidgen of the movie, but from what I could gather, a young boy chooses to nominate Bill Murray as a modern day Saint (He’s required as a school project to find someone in his community to nominate).

At any rate, the boy spends lots of time with Bill, asking him lots of questions, getting to know him pretty well, visiting with him in the hospital after he took ill, etc… They grow closer and the boy finds all sorts of beautiful attributes about Bill that he respects and admires.

Why do I bring this up?

Because, nobody I know would consider themselves worthy of being appointed a modern day saint. And yet, so many parents (especially moms) tend to hold themselves and their kids to such high standards.

Ok, maybe not sainthood, but still, very high standards.

We forget to have grace for ourselves + our children. Actually, it can be easier to have grace for our kids, forgiving them more easily. For ourselves, huh, very different story.

If we yell or have a fit, we reflect, feel bad and can berate ourselves. (Unhelpful).

If we say the “wrong thing” we can jump all over ourselves. (No, not necessary).

And then comes the guilt and shame. For not doing what we thought (in hindsight) would be the best thing to do for our kids.

No, no, no.

This won’t work any longer.

Continuing to judge yourself for doing things “wrong” with your kids is not helpful and will hold you and your kids back from true growth, real evolution past the issues and concerns that continuously come up for you.

The Truth is: you are NOT wrong or bad, nor are your kids.

You + your kids are both perfect whole and complete just the way you are. And, quite honestly, everything you have done and haven’t done is perfect.

You are where you are and they are where they are- “crazy” behaviors, yelling, crying, calm, happy, and all the in-betweens. It’s all ok. It’s all perfect.

It’s high time you see yourself and your kids as perfect.

If you don’t, you become a magnet for perpetuating + recreating the same problems you’re trying to move past.

You can’t move past something and shame yourself or your kids for doing it.

If you can, begin to allow it to be what it is.

This doesn’t mean you condone everything, it just means you look at it from the angle of “Hey, it’s ok. He’s still ok for doing this. I’m ok for doing this and I don’t need to fix this, just let go of my attachment (in my thoughts) to having him or I be perfect.”

And, the things I really don’t want to tolerate, I’ll let them know and yet still accept them for it. I’ll allow it to be what it is. Ok.

If you sincerely follow this, in time, you’ll notice things shifting in the direction of what you want for yourself and your kids.

Over time, if any additional action is necessary, (using different words to help your kids, trying a different essential oil or incorporating new foods into their meals), this will make itself known and clear to you as your next step to take to help them (and you).

How will you know when to take additional action? First and foremost, it’ll feel “right” to do so.

Next, you may experience a reoccurring thought in your mind. Or, as you go about your week, you may hear this idea pop up in different forms- a friend just happens to be talking about it, you happen to pick up a book at the book store and lo and behold it’s on the same idea you were mulling over. These can often be indicators that this new idea you were mulling over is a good next step for you and your kids.

In the meantime, as this happens, take this action (whatever action you resonate with) and couple it with more acceptance for your kids and yourself.

My beautiful friends, when you do this- you as a family will be unstoppable. Your growth will accelerate and there’s a good chance you’ll find your daily living to feel easier. Possibly even nicer.

***Keep in mind though, only take actions that you resonate with. If you don’t, then that particular action is not for you or your kids- perhaps perfect for someone else, but just not you.

Oh, and that whole Bill Murray sainthood thing- well, he just reminds me that we can be exactly the way we are- cranky at times, aloof, slouchy and miserable and STILL have LOTS of redeeming qualities that make us wonderful. Allow the authentic “junk” to surface and show itself to you and your kids and douse it with more acceptance, then watch your garden of love and much better feelings (and interactions) emerge.

Sending you love as you continue to have life feel even easier for you and your family!

Blessings,

Andrea

PS My approach to helping kids + families is a bit unconventional (deep at times + actually fun, other times…) If what I’ve shared resonates with you in anyway, you may find my book a helpful tool for improving your kid’s ADD, ADHD or autism.  Click here to have a look if you like.

PPS The photo above is my family + I having fun in Boston.